Post 1 of 50 : 10 things you probably don't know about me

Here are some things you probably don't know about me.

1. I am actually a year younger than almost everyone in my batch.

In 1996 there was this exam called Penilaian Tahap Satu (PTS), and my batch (back then) was the

first Standard 3s to sit for it. If you passed, you had the options of skipping Standard 4 and went

straight to Standard 5, saving you one elementary year. Somehow I passed the test, and my parents opted for me to go straight to Standard 5 (after a lot of persuading from my teachers, I believe). The test they said was some sort of IQ tests, like the ones you answered in Facebook these days involving patterns and such, and I believe if you practice enough before the test, you can easily answer them all. But some of us who skipped one year did badly in UPSR (luckily I did okay), and after a few years the ministry stopped the entire thing altogether. I think if there is one failed experiment from our ministry, this would be the one 😆 Anywaysssss that's how I ended up a year younger than most people in my batch including my husband and all of my best friends.

2. I am the biggest scaredy-cat there is.

Seriously guys, I am really penakut. I got nightmares every time I slept alone. During my boarding school years, I always slept before lights off - no staying up for me because I didn't want to be the last one awake. I felt a huge relief every time I heard azan Subuh because nights were over. And in my Form 5 there was this huge hysteria episode went on in our school, oh God that DID NOT make things any easier. The incident haunted me for years, and it did get better when I went to uni. But I still don't watch horror movies to date. I made a promise to my then-boyfriend that I'll go watch horror movies with him after we get married because then I won't be sleeping alone anymore, but we've been married for 8 years and still I have not make good of that promise 😆

3. I don't eat kurma. 

When I was younger, I didn't even want to touch them. I don't drink anything kurma, I don't eat anything kurma. Not only kurma, but all dried fruits for that matter. I often have digestion problems - sometimes I don't do number two for days, yet I will never eat dried prunes even when everybody around me swears it works like magic. But I did eat fresh kurma when I did my umrah few years ago, that, I can handle. 

4. I have the longest love-hate relationship with Mathematics.

I mean, I aced my Modern Maths, but I didn't do so well in Add Maths. In fact, I failed once in my Form 5, which was such a huge wake up call for me because I never failed anything in my ten years of school. I studied like crazy afterward, forever asking questions from my dorm mates and class mates (luckily I was surrounded by plenty of Maths geniuses). I made sure I did one question before assembly in the morning, and one question at the start of every prep session. After SPM, I tried to shy away from Mathematics as far as I could. But I went to University as a Physics major, naturally most of my course mates took Maths as their minor. I did too, such a bad decision that was because my grades were horrible (but enough la that I didn't have to repeat) so I took an extra of four IT subjects to make it my minor. Boy I aced all four! But somehow in the system my minor is still registered as Mathematics, so I ended up teaching Add Maths instead. The very subject that I once dreaded. That's why I can empathize with my students' struggle, because I've been there too.

5. I am allergic to Rejoice (as in the shampoo), and Ponstan.

Rejoice gives me terrible headache, which I found out the hardest way, and Ponstan triggers these red bluish patches all over my calves and they itch like hell.

6. I am afraid of water.

Not aquaphobia level, but scared enough to avoid anything that involves submerging my entire body into the water. I had this since I was little, and I never really told anyone because we rarely went to waterfall or beaches back then; if we did, no one had really asked why I only played until waist level. But we went to Redang for our honeymoon and we only did one out of three snorkeling sessions we paid for, because I fell sick (like 40℃ fever) right after the first one. Banana boat scares me the most. What if I get thrown out into to water and no one realizes I am not there? What if I get run over by a jet ski? I can't even float, let alone swim!

7. I don't have any favourite colour.

Because it changes from time to time, right now it's emm... I don't know. But last month it was emerald green, and there was this one time that I was obsessed with royal blue.

8. I like folding and ironing clothes.

They're like my me-time, because usually I do them without my kids around. I hate dish washing though. Hate hate hate. I always avoid doing that in any kenduri.

9. I'm a decent cook, but a terrible, terrible baker.

I can't seem to make sense of the chemistry behind it; my cakes always sunk in the middle 😓 every single time I try to bake them. But my red velvet cupcakes get my kids' approval, so I think I will only make that from now on. 

FINALLY IT TOOK ME THREE DAYS TO GET HERE

10. My personality literally changes depending on who I am with.

I am not the most approachable teacher, I feel awkward when they start to act very friendly with me. I always build a high wall, a very distinctive boundary that clearly say "I am your teacher stop talking to me like I am your friend". I was once acknowledged as cikgu paling garang in school. Back in my uni days I was a head block, the most hated one that block ever had, I think, because I always had this bitch face on every time I had to unlock the gate when my block mates came home after the 12am curfew (who wouldn't be? They literally woke me up from my sleep and I am not an easy sleeper). My boy/man friends always said I am very stern, strict and kasar, that no one will ever wanted to marry me because of that. But people close to me will say the total opposite, that I am a very childish, immature, spoilt, manja girl who is too dependant and can never be taken seriously 😅 one of my bosses once said that I have a split personality, the teacher-me and the non-teacher me. 

THERE. I finally finished with the first one! Lets hope that topic two will be up tomorrow. Till then, daaa!

Post 0 of 50 : The List.

It has been a while. Again.

I actually have a lot in mind. But if I were to write them all here, this blog will turn into a place full of whines, and I don't want to spread negative vibes to others. And also at this age, I have been very careful with what I share in social media (especially Facebook, where all those bawang rangers are on active duty 24/7); I don't want to be one of those people who publicly express their emotions and feels on social media. One of the reasons why I also carefully choose my Facebook friends and Instagram followers too. And I don't write about my life here because it will be too boring (plus I hate placing watermark on my photos).

But yesterday a good friend of mine (one of the few who still blog by the way) wrote about this 50 blog post topics challenge, and I decided to hop into that wagon too! So I'm gonna list them all down here so that I can refer and make links on them later. There is no promise for a daily post BUT I will try my very best to not skip the topics!

The 50 topics are :


1. 10 things you probably don't know about me
2. Share your top 10 favourite movies
3. Travel bucket list
4. Travel essentials
5. How to properly pack a suitcase
6. Favourite childhood memory
7. An interview with someone you admire
8. Inspirational quotes and/or your thoughts on them
9. Outfit of the day
10. Recipe post
11. Share a few embarrassing stories
12. Favourite restaurants
13. Friday favourite post where you link to your favourite articles/sites from that week
14. 10 things I can't live without
15. Top 5 beauty products of all time
16. Book review
17. Music playlist
18. Date idea
19. Weekend snapshot post where you share what you do during the weekend
20. Monthly goals
21. Favourite blogs that you read regularly
22. Podcasts your readers need to listen to
23. Your biggest success in life so far
24. Your most epic failures and how you  overcame them
25. An important life lesson you have learnt recently
26. Your morning routine
27. Your bedtime routine
28. How you relax after a long day
29. Your idea of "A Perfect Day"
30."A Day in the Life of Me"
31. Grocery haul
32. Beauty/Fashion haul of the last thing you bought
33. Ask your readers a question
34. Write a letter to the younger you
35. Top 10 TV series of all time
36. Your favourite books
37. Why you started blogging
38. Arts and crafts tutorial
39. Host a giveaway
40. What's in my bag
41. Fitness routine
42. Favourite way to exercise
43. Your dream job
44. If you could have a lunch with an influential erson, who would it be
45. Favourite phone apps
46. A monthly must-haves (things you're currently obsessed with)
47. Things that make you happy
48. Things that make you organized
49. When do you feel most creative
50. Participate in a challenge





Okay, so lets get on with it!

Of Motherhood: Fight or Flight

7:30 pm. Kids all asleep. 

I switched off all the lights. Settled down in bed, wrapping myself in the thick blanket. And in that complete darkness and absolute silence, I bursted into tears.

Sobbing. Hard. 

Like a little OCD girl whose favourite doll just dropped into a muddy puddle.

Every emotion that I have been suppressing the entire day came hit me all at once. 

I don’t know if I am depressed. All I know is that I need a break. I need a day or two to myself. Without kids screaming to my ears fighting over some silly figurines or which YouTube video to watch.

I love my kids. With all my heart and soul. That goes without saying. I could not live without them. But a mom deserves to have a moment to herself, to remind her that this world, her world, consists of things more than just her kids. And I need that moment. Desperately. 

My husband? He’s the best. He’s been so amazing. Seriously. We’ve been together for so long, he can read me like an open book. He’s struggling too, I know, but he’s always there to hug me every single time my emotion gets the best of me. He knows stress management isn’t my best feature. He keeps asking me every single night, when it’s just the two of us, if I’m okay. If today is harder than yesterday. If I need some time to recharge.

I do. Of course I do. But the thing is, I want my me-time to involve him. I want to go on a kid-free getaway with him. I want him to be with me, just him. But I couldn’t do that. At least here. Who’s gonna take care of the kids if we both go away? Asking anyone to fly all the way here, to look after the kids while we’re having the time of our lives is just plain selfish. One of us needs to stay, and going away on my own will only intensify my loneliness. 

Yes. I’m lonely. Despite being surrounded by kids all day long, I feel so alone. I don’t have friends here. I mean I do and they’re all great and supportive and pretty much like family to me, but at the end of the day, everyone has their own commitment that I will find myself lurking at the quiet corner of Starbucks, having that sip of Frappucino alone. And it’s okay. They have their own struggles, and I totally, totally understand. 

Most of the time, I am okay. How can’t I? My children, they are smart, adorable, witty, forgiving. Even after I turned into a horrible monster who yelled at them constantly, they still want me to kiss them good night. But they’re kids. There are good days, bad days, screaming days, fighting days, crying days, and sometimes it got too overwhelming and I lost it. I wasn’t known for my patience. And me being a hormonal, emotional wreck these days, didn’t make things easier either.

Gosh I miss working. I miss having more purpose to my life than raising kids and preparing meals and washing clothes. I miss sending my kids to kindergartens and spending that stolen two hours watching movies and eating ice cream with my husband. I love being a mom, but I also love being myself. And I know I will be a better mom, if I can always be non-mom me. 

I guess not everyone can excel in being a good housewife. Especially me, who doesn’t have enough patience, so bad at handling stress that I break down every three days and keep wanting that time off I couldn’t have.

So for now, I’m praying hard that my husband’s PhD journey will run smoothly, so that he can graduate on time and we can go back home and be close to our families and live our usual lives. And for Allah to bless me with more and more patience each day, because He knows how much I need it.

Hang in there, self. 1.5 years to go. Allahumma yassir wa laa tu’assir.

Of Me : A Long Tale of An Exhausted Housewife.

My Nihongo classes started two weeks ago.

And they're exhausting me.

You see, I'm used to being exhausted. Being so tired I could barely lift my leg.  I went through 4 months of my first pregnancy with countless episodes of hyperemesis gravidarum alone because hubsy had finished his Masters in UTM and had to report back to work in Melaka. I once drove for 140km daily, embracing Pasir Gudang's traffic, while fighting through morning sickness during my second pregnancy, and a baby who still breastfed for 7 months waiting at home. I could do it all. No problems no complaints whatsoever.

But I haven't been so for almost two years, so this kind of exhaustion feels nowhere near the ones I had back in my full time working mom days. Like you stopped having a baby for like 4 years or so and then bammmmm you're pregnant again (which I'm not, by the way). Everything feels like the first time.

And it's killing me. And my legs.

I have three classes per week. Ok four, but two of them are on the same day. My day starts at 6.45am (lets face it, Subuh is now at 3.00 a.m., no one starts their day that early right? Of course we go back to bed). The first thing I do is put the dirty laundries in the machine. Then I make breakfast for the kids, usually just some biscuits or bread or cornflakes with warm milk, and move to preparing bento for three kids (they have menu prepared by school so I usually will try my best to follow it). Usually by the time their bento are all packed, they have finished their breakfast and I comb their hair, put on their shoes, jackets and bags. And hubsy sends them down waiting for their bus. I continue cooking lunch for hubsy's bento, at the same time, I make our breakfast. All of these happen within ONE HOUR, so can you imagine how multitasking I am in the morning? Hectic morning, and it ain't over yet no no.

At 8.15, hubsy finishes his dhuha and sits at the dining table, with his breakfast already prepped and his bento packed, safely inside his bag. We eat breakfast together, and at 8.30, I take my shower.

By 8.50am, we are all inside the car, ready to go. Hubsy sends me to the subway station near his campus for me to catch the 9.08 train, arrive at the town around 9.20, and I have to walk approximately 900m from the subway station to Ayman's hoikuen, and another 750m from Ayman's hoikuen to Shimin Centre, where all my nihongo classes are held. I'm always late, obviously, but in the occasion where we both missed the alarm, hubsy will send us straight to Ayman hoikuen, and from there I walk to Shimin Centre.

My classes are from 9.30 - 12.20, and then I quickly walk 700m again to Ayman's hoikuen, fetch him, and walk quickly again with long strides while pushing a stroller for another 1.2km to  catch the 12.59 p.m. or 1.24 p.m. bus, so that I can make it home before Amsyar and Ammar get home. In a good day Ayman stays awake throughout the entire 40 minutes bus journey and climbs three flight of stairs to our house himself, but lets face it a good day rarely happens so he usually sleeps the entire journey and will not stop crying until I carry him upstairs. So I have to carry a 13kg boy, a 6kg stroller plus my 3kg backpack to the third floor. THIRD FLOOR.

It is 1.50 p.m. or 2.00 p.m. now, depending on which bus I manage to catch. By this time I'm usually almost dead and my legs are almost detached from my body but hey, my day isn't over so I can't die just yet. And you, legs, stay right there you can't fall off yet your service is still needed.

At 2.25 the kids' school bus arrives, and also depending on Ammar's mood, I'm either holding both their hands climbing the stairs together, or Amsyar climbs on his own and I have to carry 18kg Ammar to the third floor (I always wonder why I'm getting fatter and fatter, I carry so much weight almost every day and I eat less than husby but he doesn't put on any kgs at all). Help them with shower and clothes, and then feed them lunch (again - they had their lunch at school already but  they're such monsters they're still hungry).

And then only I have my lunch. At 3.30 p.m.

Can't die yet.

And then it's suddenly 4.00 p.m., and I'm still in the kitchen whipping up food for my school of piranhas. Sometimes it's donut, or choc cuppies, or karipap, or just keropok ikan or store-bought french fries if I'm too tired. It usually also depends on the school bento menu, if they're having sausage roll or hamburger tomorrow then I make bread. And in between I let them colour or draw or play with their toys or watch tv,

And then it's time to cook dinner. 5.30 p.m. now.

Yes, I cook different meal for lunch and dinner, because my kids are that picky, they won't eat the same thing twice on the same day.

Feed them dinner around 6.30 p.m., teach them Iqra and some ABC and numbers after Maghrib/Isyak (whichever happens around 7.00 p.m. depending on the season). Brush their teeth, help them change into pajamas and at 8.30 p.m., FORCE them to sleep. After the kids are in bed, I clean the kitchen, prep for tomorrow's bento menu, swipe the dusty floor (I swipe the floor every day and somehow it's always dusty - with biscuit crumbs and sticky rice on the floor), read notes from their sensei (they always have notes) and around 9.15, I retire to the bedroom and catch up with social media, or read books. Depends on whether I want to socialize with people or not that day.

Usually at 8.15 p.m. husby comes home and has his dinner while I'm struggling to keep the kids still while brushing their teeth. At 8.50 p.m., he goes to Masjid for Isyak and comes home at 9.40 p.m. to a tired wife, under the blankies, reading her book.

No no my day ain't over yet. No no.

It is now MY time.

And I spend it with at least 30 minutes of Nihongo (more if I have complicated homework), having a conversation with hubsy to report to him about how my day went and what new things his sons just learned to do today, or just to annoy him when he's too absorbed with his game he doesn't even hear a word I say. He rarely brought his work home with him, but sleeps late anyway catching up with his game (it changes, from Football Manager to whatever-I-couldn't-care-less). Sometimes when I'm too occupied with the kids (there are days where they want to draw or colour or read or want me to read) in the evening and they have bread in the menu tomorrow, I make bread.

And then it's suddenly 12.00 a.m. Time really does fly.

And when I just about to call it a day and doze off, Ayman wakes up (sometimes crying) asking for milk.

And only then I sleep.

To wake up again at 3.00 a.m. for Subuh.

And Amsyar peeing at 5.00 a.m.

And start the whole routine again at 6.45 a.m.

And this is three times a week. The other two I spend catching up with laundries (if the weather is good) and housewifing (read : washing the bathroom and the toilet, cleaning rooms, sorting clothes according to the season etc)

My husband helps too, when he can. He is the one prepping the kids in the morning - shower, dressing them with school uniforms, feed them breakfast (no not really he just sits with them making sure that they finish the food). He also throws the trash every morning.

And wakes up early during weekend to entertain the kids and makes the breakfast while letting me sleep in until 9.00 a.m. #howcaninotlovehim

I know there are thousands of housewives out there with more daily tasks and exhausting days than me, and this post is not me complaining.

This is just me pouring my head out before it explodes.

Speaking of exploding head, I have a post on MY tantrum in the draft, which I have yet to finished because it's too long. Longer than this one mind you.

Oh heck it's 5.54 p.m. now and I need to cook dinner and feed these tiny monsters I share my home with.



Now who's complaining for that long summer holiday, huh? ----> also me




And despite me questioning why the hell am I torturing myself with this alien language every time I try to complete my homework, I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY NIHONGO CLASS. They literally keep me sane.

#random

Save yourself, woman.

You brought yourself deep into this pit, you have to bring yourself out.

Get your ass up and start whatever it is you have in mind.

Only you can fix this.

Of Me : Not a Book Review.

I haven't been reading Malay novels for a long while. Really long. The last thing I bought was Tuan Anas Mikael because I was hooked by Aaron Aziz the drama adaptation, and that was what, three years ago? While I'm more into Harry Potter, LOTR, Twilight, Sherlock Holmes, stories with witches and wizards and elf and vampires and werewolf and investigation stuff like that #suchnerd , some days I just want to read without the 'pressure", I'll opt for good Malay novels.

And this novel that I'm going to write about, is written by the same author. One of the few Malay novel writers that I actually like. Because let's face it, unlike the variety of story lines from English novels even the chick lits, you can usually predict what will happen in Malay novels. But there are good writers too; my favourite is Hlovate - I have all his/her novels!

And the only reason I bought this (all the way from Malaysia, thank you Kak Noreen 💓) is because I watched the first two episodes of the drama and I was curious about the story line. And since I know that the novel is written by this author, I wanted to give it a try.

And so the book arrived here two days ago. Saturday night.

And I spent my entire Sunday reading it. In between cooking, feeding the kids, feeding the husband, doing laundry.

And I finished it before Maghrib.

And it has 900 plus pages.

"Seriously you have finished reading it? Were you actually reading or you just jumped to the ending?" My husband was surprised. But because he hasn't seen me too engrossed in a book in a long while (and he knows he's married to a book junkie, every time we dated, a visit to the book store is a must), he let me read the whole day and tended to the kids' needs (except for food lah, he couldn't even feed himself). The last time he saw me reading religiously was when he bought me the whole Shopaholic Series back when we first got married, before Amsyar. And when motherhood came, that's when I stopped my bedtime reading, because my eyes were practically sewn shut the moment my head reached the pillow. Penat!

I am a fast reader. I finished The Deathly Hallows in two days. And no, this book, you cannot jump to the ending. You'll miss a lot of plots.

And the only thing I can say about this book, it's worth the RM27 I paid.

If you're into light reading and just don't feel like reading Sophie Kinsella or Meg Cabot, you can try this one.

That's all I can say.

And now I wish someone is coming to visit so I can kirim more books.

When I don't have time to read, I have the books. When I have a lot of time in my hands, the books are all hard to access. The irony.


P/s: I'm also currently binge watching The Big Bang Theory.

#random

Nervous gila aihhhh nak tunggu weekend

UPDATE : NOT pregnant. Aunt Flo came visit on the sixth day.